Pants on Fire….

It’s all a big lie. Parenting, that is… I mean I tell my kids more (white) lies in a day than I tell myself in a year… ” No Hank, Wendy’s frosty machine is broke..” , ” Sorry Stella, Target is ALL out of your size today 😦 “..”Sorry Hank, Target’s popcorn is all gone..” ” Yes Stella, you are a true fairy princess.”… I mean legit, 2 of those I use daily… I have to remind myself though, that if it weren’t for us to be able to get away with these lies, we would mot definitely be broke, crazy, and more than half of us would have lost our shit on the 19th go around of “Why?” … Then again, just think, what are we going to do when they actually KNOW we are lying?.. 😦

My first lie, that I can remember, really stuck with me because it was a holiday, and it was my favorite… Christmas, the Grinch of all holidays to parents because no matter how many damn presents are under that tree, I’ll be damned if we aren’t at Walmart at midnight, Christmas Eve grabbing ‘just one more gift’ and then come Christmas morning, i’ll also be damned if one of the children just opened half of the Toy’ R Us catalog, but Santa forgot his bubble wand.. :X Christmas itself went wonderfully, Stella had a great Christmas, we had SO much fun decorating, shopping and amping Stella up for Santa to come down our imaginary chimney and leave all kinds of stuff under the tree for being such a great girl all year! At 2, she REALLY understood the whole concept and there is just something so magical about the way they believe… I had already began taking down decorations here and there and there were bins and boxes everywhere, so some of Stella’s toys got moved into the closet under the stairs.. One afternoon I was blissfully singing ” Jingle Bell Rock” at the top of my lungs while doing dishes, when I heard a sweet little voice yell “MOM!”… I yell back ” What do you need Stel??!”… her reply I will never forget… ” MOM, come quick, WHY did Santa leave my wrapping paper here in our closet??!!”… Time stopped.. I’m serious.. I no longer wanted to blissfully sing any holiday song ever again, nor did I want to show my face around that door and see the look of a 2 year olds world I just brought down with a single misplaced wrapping paper roll… ‘Holy Shit.. I knew this secret was going to be tricky to keep but I just blew it in the first 2 years of parenting.. what the f#*@^.. that has to be a record..’ Then it hit me like a ton of bricks… LIE ERIKA… LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH…LIE UNTIL SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BUT FOR THE SAKE OF CHRISTMAS JOY….LIE….. and so i did.. I lied to my 2 year old with the quickest, cheapest lie I could think of…”Honey, Santa see’s SOOO many kids in one night that there is just NO extra room on his sleigh to keep all of that wrapping paper!! Plus it would be too heavy for the reindeer to fly!….” what a proud relief it was when she said..”OHHH… I should have thought of that!”…. I mean could lying be the answer to parenting? And why did i feel so guilty yet take so much pride in that cover up?! 😉


From that day forward, I, Erika McGuire, have been a habitual liar to my children… It’s ok though, I’m coping with some new techniques on just ‘ stretching the truth’ the older that they get because hence, the older they get, the smarter they get…. :X

Hank was doing such a sweet thing one morning… every year before christmas and their birthdays we fill a bag for charity and they get to pick out whatever toys they currently don’t play with anymore or ones that are too young for them and we take and drop them.. The kids do awesome with this every year, and yet at the same time I get a little spring cleaning without  the guilt… Anyways… Hank had this robot that 1. didn’t even work and 2. drove me NUTSO because it was so awkwardly big and didn’t fit in any of the toy bins so it was always out and staring at me in the middle of the night when I would get up to make a bottle.. So here the robot sits next to the charity bag… well I ( may or may not ) have ‘Accidentally packed it up when I went to drop the bag off… and in all fairness, I swear to you that he hadn’t even played with it in like a year! Anyway I knew he was getting an awesome new batbot for his birthday so it was totally redeemable… well Come March 26th as soon as that dude opened his new BatRobot, what do ya F-ING know, ‘ He wanted to fight his BatRobot with his old Robot…’ Wow, crushed yet another little tiny heart on yet another loveable holiday…I found myself again lying through my teeth just to hold me over until I could get to Goodwill to see if they’d put it out on the floor yet..I tried at first to get away with “Hanky, you gave him to charity remember!?” but I was quickly scolded and reminded that he DID NOT put his robot in there.. so i had to back it with…”Ohhh,,,THAT robot! Of course… he is at the battery store getting charged! ..” LUCKY.. It worked…UNLUCKY that Goodwill DID NOT EVER put that Robot out and after 72 x of being asked were his Robot was I broke down and got the cheapest similar thing I could find and when he was NOT having it.. I resorted to lying again and explained that ” His old Robot was slow and didn’t have the power to fight BatRobot but this new one did and it would be cooler..” sometimes I am so convincing I start to believe myself…that’s scary.


All in all, what’s a few (million) white lies anyway? It’s usually all in the name of saving our babies from heartache… I mean I know eventually they are going to know that Wendy’s did NOT run out of nuggets, and I’m even sure someday that Hank will discover that we won’t ACCTUALLY serve him a poop sandwhich the next time he asks for one… But until then my friends… you better believe I am going to keep with that quick witted talent God gave us to survive having children… Don’t judge.

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