This mother’s day, as I reflect on all of the reasons why I am able to celebrate this day, I suddenly realized who I truly am.
On this day, I have to give thanks to my children. After all, there mere existence is the reason I am able to be celebrated for an entire day of pampering and gift giving. They are the reasons I am going to receive the most beautiful handprint flower cards, and 98 cent Bon Bon nail polishes… If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be able to sleep in until 7:37 am instead of 7:00. I wouldn’t be looking forward to egg sandwiches for breakfast, Jimmy John’s for lunch and steak for dinner… Because of them, I will be showered with snotty kisses, dirty hand hugs and constant ‘I love you moms’ in the sweetest voices ever heard by the ear… And you know what, I am coming to the conclusion that I deserve it..because I am not only a mother, I. AM. A. BADASS…
Correction, WE are BADASSES..
Not only do we know every word of every theme song from Henry Hugglemonster, to Henry Danger.. We can recite every social security number, birth date and allergy (17 times on 6 different forms) ..On a daily basis, we juggle laundry, lunch and nap time, along with bills, appointments, and work…Hell, most of us are going on 4 hours of sleep and are still able to accomplish homework, diapers and groceries. Blizzard bags ain’t got shit on us. Seriously, we haven’t showered in 3 days, are out of dry shampoo and can rock a messy bun… We just ran out of concealer but still manage to eye line like a pro to make ourselves look rested and presentable..
Not only are we dealing with kids, but the puppy just pooped on the floor, the fish’s water needs changed, and the plants are wilting as we un roll the hose..
Driving is damn near impossible whether you’re going down the street or across town..and we know how to stop ‘I want that seat’ wars, ‘Are we there yet’ wars, and ‘I want a fry and a frosty’ demands.. But damnit WE DO IT.. We just ran out of toilet paper, so we pack up kids, a diaper bag, and still manage to remember the keys…And ya know what, when we get to Target, we discover all of the sudden, every child needs a new wardrobe, the tooth paste is out.. and that random kitchen chair that holds absolutely no sense for reason is marked down on clearance, along with 3 pillows, an aqua stone humidifier, a pair of shoes, and 18 new Tupperware containers… But bitches, we make damn sure we get that 5% off at the register…
We are able to function at 12:30 , 2:30 and 5:30 AM covered in poop, spit up and the same P.J.’s we’ve had since 2000 and we can still fill that bottle to exactly 7oz. on the line like a boss.. We can feel our way in the dark to find a diaper and wipe, and change that diaper in less than 45 seconds and never have woken the babe up once.. We got that swaddle down so good even Houdini himself would fall asleep instantly..
Have you seen our houses? Underneath all of those toys, clothes, and that diaper you forgot about from this morning, our carpets are clean, our bathrooms are disinfected and our windows are clear…If you want a clean plate, you can find one, if you want to take a nap, you can find any bed upstairs has a pillow and a really comfortable blankie…Sorry there’s dust on the shelves, and weeds in the landscaping, but we just got done making homemade ornaments and bags of candied popcorn for all the grandmas…
I have bags under my eyes, and a weird new mark on my leg. My body is no where near what it used to be and my belly will never be flat.. I have gray roots, horrid cuticles, and I couldn’t run a mile unless it was after the ice-cream truck. My home is semi-clean, and the fridge is full..My family comes first, and my husband is understanding, patient and kind.. My kids are healthy, my kids are happy… and I am the warrior behind all of this listed above.. I can accomplish anything, I can be anything my kids need me to be, I am an endless wealth of knowledge and love.. and that my friends.. is why I am a Badass… who gets her own holiday to celebrate her awesomeness.
Not to mention this has all been done by noon, on the first day of our period….
Eat it Chuck Norris..