You know what’s a huge load of shit..all the fucking pressure we as women have put on ourselves… Stop right there all you feminists… I in no way mean we shouldn’t have the right to vote, run races, or be connected to the human world… I mean since, I was a little girl, I have watched the weight of what a woman carries double, triple quadruple, and now as a woman, there is a non existent number for the load of shit we have to carry… all for what? so we can feel “equal”. Equal to whom exactly? Men? Friends? Family? Fuck that. I’m sorry but I am sick and tired of all the bullshit posts.. all the fake love .. because you know what? It’s not all sunshine and unicorns… Starbucks gave us a friendly reminder that you an make something look pretty on the outside but on the inside it’s just a sour, tart version of a liquid disappointment.
A lot of my insecurity and anxiety comes from the person who I think I should be. The person who I think my mom thinks I should be, about the person who I think that society thinks I should be. I watch some women, moms or not, being the cool bad ass chick they truly are, and here I am trying to button up my cardigan for conferences so that the teacher thinks I serve perfect portions for diner, and we read a book every night before bed and ready are lunches for the next day. When in all reality, it’s ” happy meal Friday”, if by lunches are ready, you mean turkey and cheese lunchables 10 for 10 from Kroger, and I’m pretty sure the boys started a bon fire last weekend with every book we own… It’s not who I am, If it were up to me, I would have showed up to conferences in my graphic tee, 3 day old bun , converse, and asked the teacher to maybe send home a complete guide of what exactly common core actually means? Why isn’t it ok for me to just be the organized chaotic mother that I am…Recently, I’ve been letting that demon out… and it feels good.. “real good” (cue Henry Danger)
I realized after giving up Facebook for a while, that a huge source of my anxiety and misguided perception of how life should be comes from jealousy and lust of these beautifully posted bodies, relationships and pins. The fantasy of who I thought the ‘good mom’ I thought I should be all the sudden seemed so far from who I really was that it made me confused and lonely. It made me never want to get on Facebook again, and just virtually rip up every single pin on my Pinterest boards. Until I let it go. until I did something I’ve wanted to do for ever and finally got a cartilage piercing… ya I said it, I walked straight into pain and pleasure with my 29 year old ass and asked for a big ole diamond stud, straight out the jr. high era….And the release I felt from that simple act made me think… fuck it all. fuck all the supposed too, all the fake bullshit.. this is me and this makes me a better Mom. How am I supposed to teach my kids to trust the universe and themselves if I didn’t even trust myself? How was I really going to teach Stella and Josie about self love if I couldn’t even love myself? If I couldn’t invest in my own self?
There is so much damn demand and pressure to get up early, have breakfast ready, bags packed, hair and make up to the nines, the latest trending clothes head to toe, and still manage kids, bills, husbands,houses,pets,jobs, family, holidays, cofrences, blah blah blah…oh the monotony. It’s okay to say it’s too much. It’s okay to say here, you take bath time, bills and the baby and i’ll do dinner, dogs and daycare. It’s okay to not hit the gym every single day because you were up all night with a teething toddler. Just because Jenny Lou hit the 20 marathon medal doesn’t mean your slacking now…I think what we forget most with social media is circumstances. Every one of ours are different, and maybe in different lives, we’ll get the 6 pack, the good kids, and the bomb career.. but because of all the duties we have taken on in this life we are living, we sacrifice, and we persevere. We live, we trust, and we let go. we have to, or it will take us down, sadly and slowly.
I can tell you in all reality that I don’t know what the fuck I am doing as a mother. Most days I just drink a lot of coffee, nod my head ,snap chat a lot and vacuum repeatedly and that seems like enough. Then there are other day where I slam cupboard doors, and do mostly yelling and some crying, and still manage to lay the kids down at night with a smile on their faces…
Never once have I gone off the handle without apologizing to my kids.. but I’m ok with it because since letting go, Stella’s worrisome (about being perfect all the time) has since almost vanished.. She has let go and opened up and she breaks down now and we get through it together and its amazing. Hank has finally toughened up some and realized that it’s okay if the lego’s fell and shattered, that now we create something new.. and it’s all because I became a human to them.. I started doing a new thing that has been amazing for my relationship with my kids… As most kids do, they begin to gripe about things I make them do, or things I do that make them mad and instead of apologizing for being bossy or over reacting, I say ” I am a GOOD mom, I am a GOOD person, and you will appreciate me and understand me someday, until then, respect me and listen.” I don’t know why the reaction, but it always sparks a hug from each kid, and no more fighting. Its amazing, I let go, and suddenly, I realized I became who I have always wanted to be…..myself.