So I had a revelation yet again these past couple of months. After so much bitching and whining about ‘who am I?’ ‘what am I supposed to be doing?’ ‘why am i constantly complaining and comparing? why am i constantly searching for more? more of a meaning, more of an answer, more questions?’ I realized two things..
#1. I bitch… A LOT… essentially about everything
#2. I was looking in ALL the wrong places for my answers
It’s funny, because in search of all of this crap I thought I was trying to find, I realized I was blaming everyone but myself… I was blaming clients, co workers, my husband, my kids, my job, my house, my car… everything was everyone else’s fault and I just couldn’t understand why no one was helping me gain answers, why it ‘ seemed’ like everyone was only adding to the problems I was having in my own head and in my heart. I thought that my whole life, I was always doing the best I could and yet it was never enough… Holy Whine Fest. #poorme ….
Whatta big baby I was.. Honestly though, as hard as this was and is to come to terms with and to actually announce for the world to hear.. I feel like it’s going to reveal a whole new way of life . The past 28 years, I have been afraid of rejection. I have been afraid of disappointing others, I have been afraid of being the problem. I think a lot of it comes with having too big of a heart and too soft of a back bone (well I like to think that at least ;). No matter what I was trying to do, if I didn’t come out with the best results and the loudest fan section, I was let down, hurt and introverted. I couldn’t see where the problem was, even if I literally knocked over the entire table of wax at a bridal show ( Cherie if your reading this LMAO ) I still couldn’t admit that I messed up. I couldn’t face the fact that people were upset with something I did. I’ve been like that for a long time… until now.
I don’t know if it was the million posts/blogs/’happify’ things that my eyes have ever seen, or if a part of it was seeing the same feeling through Stella’s eyes, or if it was the magic I found in letting go that changed me, but some recent event in my life has shown me the answer.. Finally, after soul searching, and meditating to my ‘spiritual guides’ and praying harder than ever before to give me some direction… I finally heard it. I heard my inner spirit say….” It’s you… it always has been YOU, and it’s OK.” Ok so it wasn’t like “The Sixth Sense” kinda shit, but for real, something in me snapped and was like ‘Erika, accept rejection, accept disappointment, accept introvertedness.’ And when I did, amazing things have been happening.
I finally started to realize that I actually love my job. I love what I have the ability to do to make people feel better. I realized that this whole time, I have been trying to find the perfect “career” that will make a difference and fill my heart up, has been what I’ve been doing all along. If only I could stick with things and give them a chance, and give the world a chance to get to know me and trust it to take me to the stars.. I would have answered that question a long time ago. I finally look at my kids and smile at the tantrums in public, fuel up some arguments on parenting, and let myself look like I have no clue what I am doing. Let people look at me ignoring my 5 year old’s million please can I get this’ and the fact that Finn is totally sitting the wrong way in the cart, and that Hank might possibly be sneaking sips of my frapuccino. Let them judge and reject my idea of parenting, it’s not changing my situation, and certainly not helping me, so in one ear and out the other with it. I am realizing that maybe for 5 years Stella could see all along my fear of losing, my fear of failing, and maybe now even at 5 she’s overly apologetic when something goes wrong. This revelation has brought me to change my answers and to change my words to try and break this feeling from Stella, help her let go of ‘perfect’.
I do truly believe a lot of this has been because of my little mischief causing, nail biting, ulcer inducing 3 year old. I believe that a lot of his wildness and free spirit has brought out who I’ve wanted to be for so long. He has forced me to accept the fact that no matter how tightly I swaddled, or how loudly I sang ‘Twinkle Twinkle’, that sometimes you just need to cry it out, cry it out until you fall asleep or you fart. He has showed me that I HAVE to let go of perfect, because there really is no ONE way to parent. That its OK to scream your head off like Jim Carey in Liar Liar because sometimes that’s the only way to get it through that tiny head that shish kabob sticks are NOT swords.
Through all this enlightening bullshit, I have really become aware of the fact that I don’t know why it took me so long to be able to do this, after a little mind clearing I realize that I have already accepted most of these things before and they have led me to the most amazing places :
ex # 1. Rejection : About 8 years ago, if i hadn’t accepted rejection, I wouldn’t have chosen to go on a really awkward first date with a really amazing man.
ex # 2. Disappointment : About 5 years ago, I was terrified ( and possibly looking for escape routes to Alaska) to tell my family that I was pregnant out of “wed-lock”. and about 9 months later we were blessed with the most beautiful miracle that changed the lives of my whole family.
What’s even weirder, is the fact that allowing myself to confess all of this rejection, and all of this self found guilt, is that all that was weighted on my shoulders has been lifted. Truly, by accepting the fact that I am my own worst enemy has been the most freeing experience I am proud to have gone through. I am able to say ‘ I am the problem’ , and actually be OK with that. All that means is that I have the best tools to fix the situation, I now have a clear head because I don’t have to search for any answers, and now I can use my new found strength to find a positive way to come out on top instead of introverting and burying my feelings until I am callused and broken.
So I guess that I am trying to live by knowing every day we do get is a new chance to make our lives worth living. Every morning we are gifted with a new chance to stop being o afraid of ourselves and start using every piece of us. After all, Kevin McAllister said it best… ” If you won’t use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it’ll be like my roller blades. When you do decide to try it, it won’t be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose. ”