DamnitHank

Trigger warning that the title suggests a happy, light enriching post, when in reality this is going to be a binge vent fest of some bullshit living in my chest…

Okay, ya its been a while and to be frankly honest, this is just my cycle of life. I create something super dope and then my lack of streaming self worth and confidence takes a nose dive when it might not retrieve the unrealistic expectations I had for it, so I internalize that as rejection, worthlessness and eventually burn it down, bury it, or victimize myself into oblivion. Just externalizing those words is relieving. You know, I think so many of us are scared of our own truth and reality that we disassociate it, swallow it, and eventually choke on it. Accepting who you are, your flaws, your cycles, your mental instability, could be a key to finally living a life you love. When you stop putting limitations on who you are supposed to be, who you are finally gets a chance to shine.

With that being said, Fuck off to everyone in my past that stood in my sunlight.

I spent so much time trying to understand why certain people rejected me, or pushed me away that I lost perception of the very real truth that I didn’t deserve it. That’s not 2025 victim mentality coming out; That’s Erika’s finally sick of the bullshit door mat role and is speaking up on things that are fucked up. I am a genuinely good person, I have honest intentions and I am blessed with the ability to see potential beyond limitation so my passion and drive for that can become degraded when people start holding back or decide to not live up to that potential. This might come across as me pulling back as some would call it, when in reality it’s me stepping aside to to try and understand why they can’t understand all I’ve ever wanted was the best? Is that a crime? Is that selfish? I don’t know but the alternative of struggling and keeping the bar low isn’t a sustainable reality I want to live in.

Listen, most people would be like ” Oh Erika, just let it be and move on, you don’t need them anyway.” When the truth of the matter is, yes, sometimes being the bigger person is a great path, but sometimes the bigger person gets tripped on all the little people trying to tug at their shoes. Sometimes stepping on them to get to your destination is a sad reality. You know why? because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that gaslighting and manipulating words and actions leads to believe they deserve what they got gets to be viewed as the bigger person when the gaslit fool stands with egg on her face for finally standing up. For so, so long I let that happen. I sat in my feels and cried, hard, trying to rationalize the words or the actions put on me that just didn’t make sense. For so long I repeated a cycle of stay silent because maybe, just maybe, I was wrong and they are right and I don’t want to be humiliated. Ya well guess what, I’m humiliated either way, and staying silent has created more grief in my body than I can handle recently so I’m gonna let the light shine on it.

I’ve chased acceptance for so long that I can’t remember what it’s even like to like myself when I’m by myself. How sad it that. I even chase it from people who not only clearly accept me, but also lift me up so high that it’s unmistakable how much they do. In doing this for so long, something i recently learned is that somewhere along the line, I started chasing and catering to the people who only want to use me, a deeply rooted installed character flaw, but none the less very real and very destructive. I couldn’t figure out why I kept having to prove myself to these people who only kept asking for more proof. It created someone I 1. wasn’t, and 2. couldn’t sustain. It was much like an abusive relationship, it was so good for a while and then out of nowhere, assumption crept in somewhere blind sided me with hurtful actions, moral inaccuracy, borderline illegal behavior by stunting my finances, instability out the yin yang and I just tried harder and harder to prove my worth. I gave more and more while i got less and less. Not only that, when I did stand up for myself I got an even worse response by triggering personal shots fired.

This chase for acceptance has happened countless times for me, but this particular episode of not being the bigger person is completely directed at a specific time frame/situation which people who know me personally could probably figure out, but I want to let that linger because should this person ever find this post, I want them to know that I finally understand.

This repeated cycle specifically just came full circle beginning in 2019. And for so, so long I took the blame. I was too hard on business strategies, I “didn’t understand” having to make hard decisions, I did something wrong, or deserved unprovoked pay cuts and schedule flips. I was too pushy ( on things I knew would vastly improve the business) and “I started to act different and pull away.” Hmmm, if other ex employees ever read this, I hope you understand this was never your fate either. I self sabotaged my very own success because of the guilt inflicted on me, not only guilt, but lack of self assurance that I do actually know what I am doing and am good at what I do; Instead this awful voice of everything they “didn’t understand” made me out to be the inconsistent, unreliable asshole. Shame on me for believing it.

I’m coming back out the gates with this specific topic because I finally reached a point where I don’t have any peace to keep but with myself. Over the course of 38 years I have so much material from experiences to talk on but this one seemed particularly important to put out first. Not because it’s still fresh, but because it finally taught me what I needed to move on.

I have finally built a business on who I am and not who I am trying to out do. I shaped my legacy and my career on what means most to me and not my ego. I realized that every time I had a chance to shine, she was standing in my light, not watering my garden. I realized that two and two finally showed me that shes the one who’s hurting, shes the one who can’t trust enough to let acceptance in. I didn’t do anything wrong this time and told so many people I was settled with the way things were, and yet I was still targeted, financially drained and lied about; In what I can only assume to be a way of self preservation for some perceive threat she assumed I was holding? But it’s not my fault. It’s not my burden to carry. It’s not my riddle to solve.

This is so important to understand the magnitude of growth this has been for me. It’s not important that I called this person out, even though sometimes in life staying silent only silences you. Your truth is meant/allowed to be heard. It’s more important to me that you see the value in your accepting your flaws/cycles/weaknesses. Accepting it set me free. Being the saddest, most scared, most desperate to find answers finally set me free. It forced me to understand that maybe I can’t find the “Why” or the answer to “What did i do to deserve this” was realizing that maybe its because there isn’t one. Stupidity defies logic, sorry cheap shot. Hurt people, hurt people. Rejection is redirection. I could do on with the corny cliches’ but seriously. The answer is, there is no answer and that’s okay. That only confirms that I really didn’t do anything to deserve it, that sometimes that’s just the way the cards fall.

The real blessing is answering the true hidden question. ” What are you going to do now?”

The answer is. Light the match, burn the bridge, cut the attachment; quit the chase.

Destruction finally dissolves when you give yourself permission to be hopeful. Sometimes the financial stability, the safe place,the relentless comfort, is what’s destroying your true peace.

What I was doing there didn’t fit, so instead of thinking “well i must just be too much, I should just stop trying, give them what they want bow down to their level; but instead of burying it in the mud,I decided to give it a place to grow. This time, the ole adage “I’m too old to start over” holds true. It’s not that I’m “too old”, I’m “too good” and i never allowed myself to accept that. I’m choosing to look the other way and say “you know what, you’re right, we don’t align, because you just want my presence, not my value”.

I’ve never loved myself like this before.

And that scares the shit out of me.
Let’s fucking go, damnit