Damnit world.. you’ve let me down again.. You’ve ripped my heart from my chest and tore a piece of soul away from myself. Some people might think I am overreacting, but those people probably never got a call that used the term ‘bomb threat’ in relation to their child. The fear of those terms are utterly unbearable, and have awakened new demons in me , but have also sparked a fire in my brain. I can’t help but let my feelings go…..
Upon receiving a phone call that my child’s school had been evacuated due to an ‘ incident’ I can recall a series of certain thoughts that led my brain to total melt down. At first you think
‘oh maybe a water main break?..then, well, maybe Carbon Monoxide??.. ‘ then when you hear the words,’ everyone is safe, but no one can say more..’ you start to freak the fuck out..Every fucking episode of Law and Order SVU starts to play in your mind, and slowly you drift away losing control of every emotion your body can handle.. After embracing the fact that Stella was in the safe haven of my Mom’s car and home.. I then started my downward spiral into a whirlwind of hate and disgust.. ‘WHY would someone want to harm KINDERGARDENERS?? What SICK world did I bring children into? Why would ANYONE ever want impose such fear and torture into the hearts and minds of anyone like that, let alone a bunch of children, whose only agenda to the world at such an innocent age is to love, help and to please? HOW In the FUCK am I going to be able to muster the strength to drop ANY of my kids off ever again? How did I get put into such a helpless situation? Why is it that I find myself thanking God that it was ‘only a bomb threat’ and that it wasn’t a gunman.. what has our world come too when that is what your thankful for?….
And then I meditated.. and by meditated I mean….
And then I decided to change my perspective.. I decided to change my view, and from there I decided to change my mind….
Today, I saw fear.
Today I saw hate.
But today, I also saw bravery, I saw love and compassion.
I saw honesty, trust, and loyalty..
I saw these things by looking at the lighter side of the situation instead of into the darkness.. To the Teachers and Staff : don’t ever let yourself say ‘ I was just doing my job’ because you weren’t ‘just doing your job’. You were going ABOVE and BEYOND my expectations for you… I expect you, as a teacher, to be a good role model, to be kind, understanding, leading, and loving.. I did not expect you to remain calm, keep a smile on your face, and sheild my child with your life to be damn sure that they were as safe and they could be in your hands. I did not expect you to keep such a calm demeanor in my child,who already struggles with worry and anxiety.. and in such a terrible situation, you managed to make my child sing from the mountain tops how she got to ‘ take a feild trip’ and she ‘FINALLY got to ride a bus with all of her friends’.. I did not expect you wait 5 hours to get home to your own loved ones and cry your emotions out until every last child was accounted for and home safe with their family…BUT YOU DID… and the amount of TRUST, RESPECT and LOYALTY I have for you could never be measured in words…You have shown me that through pure evil, love and compassion, and genuity still exists.. That, although I will cry from 9:00 am. until 3:30 pm. on Monday, I will also hold my heart true to you and try to accept that I CANNOT be in conrtrol at all times and that it is a neccesity that I let go and trust you and the world again.. I mean it from the bottom of my heart that I love you all and because that’s exacly what the world needs now, is love, (sweet love 😉 . So thank you a million times over for being in my child’s life.
To my work family and my friends.. Today, I fell apart, and you held me together. Today, I managed to not die of heartbreak because you were there to piece me back together.. You stepped up and never complained.. you took control when I had none. I love you all and I hope I never have to be there for you in that kind of a situation, but you better believe I will be and I would never let you down. Thank you for showing me there is still peace, and comfort in the world.
I know that our schools have left it to our discretion on what to talk to our children about, and I am certainly not here to preach or judge what you decide.. I can only share my feelings on it and hope that I make the right choice for my own situation.. I am deciding that my 5 year old doesn’t need to know what today was really about.. some of you might think ‘ well don’t you think she needs to be aware of whats out there?’ and honestly, I have struggled with that thought myself, but have realized my true to heart feeling is..”Why?” why does my 5 year old who has a hard enough time deciding what ‘candy land ‘ strategy to go with need to know that someone out there wanted to harm her and her school? She is FIVE.. It also helps me answer the sick question of why would anyone want to bring kids into this sick world… I know this to be true… We were blessed with these children because the only way to change the world is to do it our own damn selves.. and be that by raising respectful, compassionate STRONG children.. these kids will be the furture we are longing for.. if we don’t harden them to the world… I don’t think that by telling my child to look for the evil in the world that it is going to bring any strength or reassurance to her.. I strongly DO believe though that by showing her why it is so important to be kind loving and strong and to ALWAYS look for the good in people, that it will help you get through the bad.. Afterall, that’s the only way I have been able to step away from the rum and have a little amount of trust in the world again today.. That and also the amount of strength from my friends and family are unwaivering and stronger than ever tonight..
“Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.”